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NIGHTMARES
fiction
How a bad dream ends in Argentina
by Julio Cortázar
Wait, they all said, wait and see, because in cases like this you never know, Doctor Raimondi too, wait and see, sometimes there's a response, and all the more likely at Mecha's age, wait and see, Seņor Botto, yes doctor, but it's been two weeks already and she hasn't woken up, two weeks that she's been lying there like a corpse, doctor, I know Seņora Luisa, it's a typical coma, there's nothing to do but wait. Lauro was waiting too, each time he came back from the university he'd stop a moment in the street before opening the door, thinking today, yeah, today I'm going to find her awake, she'll have opened her eyes and she'll be talking to mum, it can't still be going on, she can't be going to die at the age of twenty, no doubt she's sitting up in bed, talking to mum, but they'd still have to wait and see, no change dear, the doctor's coming back this afternoon, they all say there's nothing to be done. Come and eat something pal, your mother's going to stay with Mecha, you've got to keep up your strength, don't forget about your exams, in the meantime we'll have a look at the news. But everything was in the meantime there, where the only thing that went on without changing, the only thing exactly the same day after day was Mecha, the weight of Mecha's body in that bed, Mecha, skinny little thing, party-goer and tennis player, pressed down there and pressing down on them all for weeks now, a complex viral process, comatose state, Seņor Botto, impossible to prognosticate, Seņora Luisa, we can only sustain her and give her every chance, at her age there's so much energy, such a will to live. But it's that she can't help, doctor, she's not taking anything in, she's like she's, oh God, forgive me, I don't know what I'm saying any more.
Lauro didn't really believe it either, it was like one of those jokes of Mecha's, who'd always make the worst jokes, dressed up as a ghost in the stairwell, hiding the duster at the bottom of his bed, the two of them laughing so hard, making up tricks, playing at still being kids. Complex viral process, the abrupt blackout one afternoon after fever and pains, suddenly silence, ashen skin, her breathing distant and calm. The only calm thing around in that place of physicians and machines and analyses and consultations, until little by little Mecha's bad joke became more intense, overpowering them all hour, upon hour, Doņa Luisa's desperate cries giving way later to a barely concealed weeping, to anguish in the kitchen and bathroom, the father's curses in-between the newscasts and a glance at the morning paper, Lauro's incredulous rage interrupted by trips to the university, classes, meetings, that glimmer of hope each time he came back from downtown, you're gonna pay for this Mecha, you just don't do this kinda thing, you idiot, I'll get you back for this, you'll see. The only calm one except for the nurse knitting, they'd sent the dog to an uncle's house, Dr. Raimondi didn't bring his colleagues any more, he'd stop by in the evening and hardly stay, he too seemed to feel the weight of Mecha's body pressing down on them all a little more each day, they got used to waiting, to the only thing they could do.
The thing with the nightmare started on that afternoon when Doņa Luisa couldn't find the thermometer and the nurse went to get another from the pharmacy on the corner. They were talking about it because you don't just lose a thermometer when you're using it three times a day, they'd gotten used to talking out loud by Mecha's bed, there was no reason to whisper like they had at first because Mecha couldn't hear, Dr. Raimondi was sure that the coma isolated her from all sensation, they could say anything and nothing would change in Mecha's indifferent expression. They were still talking about the thermometer when they heard the shots around the corner, probably farther away, over in Gaona. They looked at each other, the nurse shrugged her shoulders because shots were nothing new in their neighborhood or anywhere else, and Doņa Luisa was about to say something more about the thermometer when they saw the tremor pass through Mecha's hands. It lasted a second but they both noticed and Doņa Luisa cried out, and the nurse put her hand over her mouth, Seņor Botto came in from the living room and the three of them watched as another tremor shot through Mecha's whole body, a quick serpent running from her neck to her feet, a movement of her eyes beneath their lids, the slight tension that altered her features, as if she wanted to speak, to complain, the speeded-up pulse, the slow return to immobility. Telephone, Raimondi, basically nothing new, perhaps a little more hope though Raimondi didn't want to say so, Mother Mary, let it be true, let my daughter wake up, let this Calvary end, please God. But it wasn't ending, it started again an hour later, then more often, it was as if Mecha were dreaming and her dream was distressing and painful, the nightmare coming back again and again without being able to stop it, to be at her side, watching her, talking to her, without anything from outside reaching her, invaded by this other thing that somehow continued the long nightmare of all of them there without any possible communication, save her, please God, don't leave her like this, and Lauro coming back from class and he'd stay beside the bed too, one hand on his mother's shoulder while she prayed.
That night there was another consultation, they brought in a new machine with suction pads and electrodes that they fixed to her head and legs, two doctors, friends of Raimondi's, had a long discussion in the living room, you'll have to keep waiting. Seņor Botto, the situation hasn't changed, it would be unwise to imagine this a favorable sign. But it's that she's dreaming, doctor, she has nightmares, you saw for yourself, it's going to start again, she feels something and she's suffering terribly, doctor. She's in a vegetative state, Doņa Luisa, there is no awareness, I assure you, you've just got to wait and not get so upset by this, your daughter's not suffering, I know this is painful for you, it'll be better if you leave her alone with the nurse until there's some change, try to get some rest. Seņora, take the pills I gave you.
Lauro stayed up with Mecha until midnight, at times looking over his notes for his exams. When he heard the sirens he thought he'd better phone the number that Lucero had given him, but he couldn't call from home and it wasn't like he could just go out right after the sirens. He saw the fingers of Mecha's left hand slowly move, again her eyes seemed to roll beneath their lids. The nurse suggested he leave the room, there was nothing to do, just wait. "But she's dreaming," said Lauro, "she's dreaming again, look at her." It lasted as long as the sirens outside, her hands seemed to be looking for something, her fingers trying to get a hold of the sheet. Now Doņa Luisa was there again, she couldn't sleep. Why--the nurse almost angry-hadn't she taken Doctor Raimondi's pills? "I can't find them," said Doņa Luisa sounding lost, "they were on the bedside table but I can't find them." The nurse went to look for them, Lauro and his mother looked at each other, Mecha scarcely moved her fingers and they felt that the nightmare was still there, that it was prolonging itself interminably, refusing to reach the point when some kind of mercy, of final pity, would wake her like it did everyone, to save her from the terror. But she kept dreaming, any moment now her fingers would start moving again. "I can't see them anywhere, Seņora," said the nurse. "We're all so lost, we don't know where things get to in this house any more."
Lauro came back late the next night, and Seņor Botto asked him an almost evasive question without taking his eyes off the television, in the middle of the Cup Final. "A get-together with some friends," said Lauro, looking for something to put in a sandwich. "That goal was a beauty," said Seņor Botto, "good job they're repeating the match, get a better look at these brilliant moves." Lauro didn't seem interested in the goal, he ate looking at the floor. "I'm sure you know what you're doing, son," said Seņor Botto without taking his eyes off the ball, "but be careful." Lauro raised his eyes and looked at him in surprise, first time his father had allowed himself such a personal comment. "Don't worry about it, dad," he told him, standing up to cut short the conversation.
The nurse had turned down the night light and Mecha was barely visible. On the sofa, Doņa Luisa took her hands from her face and Lauro kissed her on the forehead.
"She's still the same," said Doņa Luisa. "She's like this all the time, dear. Look, look how her mouth is trembling, poor thing, what could she be seeing, my God, how can this go on and on, that this ..."
"Mum."
"But it just can't be, Lauro, no one notices it like I do, no one understands that she's having a nightmare all the time and she doesn't wake up ..."
"I know, mum, I notice it too. If there was anything that could be done, Raimondi would have done it. You can't help her by staying here, you've got to get some sleep, take a tablet and sleep."
He helped her up and led her to the door. "What was that, Lauro?" stopping abruptly. "Nothing mum, some shooting somewhere, you know." But what did Doņa Luisa know really, why say anything else. Now, yeah, now it was late, after leaving her in her room he'd have to go down to the shop and phone Lucero from there.
He couldn't find the blue windbreaker that he liked to wear at night, he looked through the hall closets in case his mother had hung it up in there, finally he put on an old jacket because it was cool outside. Before he left he went into Mecha's room for a minute, almost before he saw her in the darkness he felt the nightmare, the trembling in her hands, the secret inhabitant slithering beneath her skin. Sirens outside again, he'd better not go out until later, but then the shop'll be closed and he won't be able to call. Under her eyelids Mecha's eyes rolled as if trying to break through, to look at him, to come back from over there. He brushed her forehead with one finger, he was afraid to touch her, to add to the nightmare any stimulus from outside. Her eyes kept rolling in circles and Lauro drew back, he didn't know why but each time he was more afraid, the idea that Mecha could raise her eyelids and look at him made him pull back. If his father had gone to bed he could call from the living room, lowering his voice, but Seņor Botto was still listening to the sports program. "Yeah, on that subject they've got lots to say," thought Lauro. He'd get up early to phone Lucero before going to the university. From afar he saw the nurse who came out of her room carrying something shiny, a syringe or a spoon.
Even time got mixed up or lost in that continuous waiting, sitting up all night and sleeping during the day to make up for it, friends and relatives showing up at any time and taking turn distracting Doņa Luisa or playing dominoes with Seņor Botto, a replacement nurse because the other had had to leave Buenos Aires for a week, coffee cups that no one could find because they were scattered about on every piece of furniture, Lauro stopping in whenever he could, and leaving at all hours, Raimondi didn't ring the bell any more before coming in for the usual routine, no deterioration in her condition, Seņor Botto, all we can do is keep her stable, I'm increasing the nutrients in the intravenous, we'll just have to wait and see. But she's dreaming all the time, doctor, look at her, she barely rests now. It's not that, Seņora Luisa, you imagine that she's dreaming but they're physical reactions, it's difficult to explain in cases like this because there are other factors, but still, I don't believe that there's any awareness of what seems to be a dream, maybe it's a good sign, such vitality and these reflexes, believe me, I'm monitoring her carefully, you are the one who needs to rest, Seņora Luisa, come let me take your blood pressure.
For Lauro it was getting more and more difficult to get back home, what with the trip back from downtown and all that was going on at the university, but more for his mother's sake than for Mecha he'd show up whenever and stay for a while, he'd hear the usual news, chat with the folks, make up things to talk about to get their minds off it. Each time he went near Mecha's bed it was the same feeling of impossible contact, Mecha so near, as if calling him, vague finger signs and that look from within, trying to get out, something that went on and on, a message from a prisoner through walls of skin, her unbearably futile call. Sometimes hysteria got the better of him, the certainty that Mecha recognized him more than his mother or the nurse, that the nightmare reached its worst moment when he was there watching her, that it was better to leave right away since he couldn't do anything, that talking to her was useless, stupid, darling, stop fuckin' around, d'ya mind, open your eyes right now and stop with this cheap joke, Mecha you idiot, sis, little sis, how much longer are you gonna keep this up, you crazy bitch, give up this stupid farce and come back, I've got so much to tell you, sis, you don't know any of what's going on but I'm gonna tell you anyway, Mecha, cause you won't understand any of it, I'm gonna tell you. All this flashed through his head in bursts of fear, wanting to cling to Mecha, not a word out loud because the nurse and Seņora Luisa never left Mecha alone, and him there needing to talk to her about so many things, like Mecha was probably talking to him from her side, from behind closed eyes, her fingers drawing useless letters on the sheets.
It was Thursday, not that any of them knew what day it was or cared but the nurse had mentioned it while they were having a coffee in the kitchen, Seņor Botto remembered that there was a special news bulletin, and Doņa Luisa that her sister from Rosano had called to say she'd be over Thursday or Friday. Lauro's exams must've started, he'd left at eight without saying goodbye, leaving a note in the living room, he wasn't sure if he'd be back for dinner, not to wait for him in case he didn't show. He didn't come for dinner, the nurse for once got Doņa Luisa to go to bed early, Seņor Botto leaned out the living room window after the quiz show, bursts of machine-gun fire could be heard coming from the direction of Plaza Irlanda, suddenly silence, almost too quiet, not even a patrol car, better go to bed, that woman who answered all the questions on the ten o'clock quiz show was amazing, the stuff she knew about ancient history, almost as if she was alive at the time of Julius Caesar, well, just goes to show, a little culture can make you richer than a stockbroker. Nobody realized that the door wasn't going to open all night, that Lauro wasn't back in his room, in the morning they thought he was still sleeping after some exam or that he was studying before breakfast, only at ten did they realize he wasn't there. "Don't make such a fuss," Seņor Botto said, "he probably stayed out celebrating with his friends." For Doņa Luisa it was time to help the nurse wash and change Mecha, warm water and cologne, cotton and sheets, already noon and Lauro, but it's strange, Eduardo, that he didn't at least call, he's never done this, that time they had the end-of-term party he phoned at nine, remember, and that was when he was younger. "The kid's going crazy with his exams," said Seņor Botto, "you'll see, he'll be back any minute now, he always shows up for the one o'clock news." But Lauro wasn't there at one, missing the sports and the news-flash about another subversive attempt frustrated by the rapid intervention of the forces of order, nothing new, the temperature falling slowly, rain in the mountains.
It was after seven when the nurse came to get Doņa Luisa who kept phoning people, Seņor Botto was waiting for a friend in the police to call him to see if he'd found out anything, every couple of minutes he asked Doņa Luisa to leave the line free but she kept looking in the phone book and calling people, maybe Lauro had stayed at uncle Fernando's house or gone back to the university for another exam. "Please hang up the phone," Seņor Botto asked once again, "can't you see that the kid might be trying to call right now and he keeps getting a busy signal, what do you expect him to do from a pay phone, if they're not broken you have to wait in line." The nurse insisted and Doņa Luisa went to see Mecha, all of a sudden she'd started to move her head, every so often she'd turn it from one side to the other, they'd have to fix her hair, it was falling over her forehead. Let Dr. Raimondi know right away, hard to find him in the evening but at nine his wife called to say he'd be right there. "It's going to be hard for him to get through," said the nurse, who came back from the pharmacy with a packet of injections, "they've closed the whole neighborhood off for some reason, hear the sirens." Drawing away slightly from Mecha who kept moving her head in a slow, stubborn refusal, Doņa Luisa called Seņor Botto, no, no one knew anything, probably the kid couldn't get past but they'll let Raimondi through 'cause of the medical plates."
"It's not that, Eduardo, it's not that, I'm sure something's happened to him, it's impossible that we haven't heard anything yet, Lauro always ..."
"Look, Luisa," Seņor Botto said, "look at the way she's moving her hand and her arm too, it's the first time she's moved her arm, Luisa, maybe ..."
"But it's worse than ever, Eduardo, don't you see, she's still hallucinating, it's like she's defending herself from ... Do something, Rosa, don't leave her like this, I'm going to phone the Romeros, they might have some news, their daughter used to study with Lauro, please, give her an injection, Rosa, I'll be right back, or better, you call, Eduardo, ask them, go on."
In the living room Seņor Botto began to dial and stopped, hung up. It could be that just then Lauro, what were the Romeros going to know about Lauro, better to wait a bit longer. Raimondi hadn't arrived, they'd have intercepted him at the corner, he'd be explaining, Rosa couldn't give Mecha another injection, it was too strong a sedative, better wait till the doctor arrives. Leaning over Mecha, brushing aside the hair that covered her useless eyes, Doņa Luisa began to shake, Rosa just had time to bring over a chair and help her sit down like a dead weight. The siren was getting louder, coming from the direction of Gaona when Mecha raised her eyelids, her eyes, veiled by the film that had been accumulating over weeks, fixed on a point on the ceiling, slowly drifted toward Doņa Luisa's face, who screamed, who clutched her hands to her chest and screamed. Rosa struggled to move her away, calling desperately to Seņor Botto who came in now and stopped short at the foot of the bed, looking at Mecha, everything concentrated in Mecha's eyes that gradually turned from Doņa Luisa to Seņor Botto, from the nurse to the ceiling, Mecha's hands slowly rising over her waist, sliding up to meet on top, her body shuddering in a spasm because perhaps her ears were now hearing the multiplying sirens, the pounding on the door that made the whole house shake, the shouted orders and the crunch of splintering wood after the burst of machine gun fire, Doņa Luisa's shrieks, the shove of bodies entering en masse, all just in time so that the nightmare could end and Mecha could at last come back to reality, to the beauty of life.
Argentinean writer Julio Cortázar (1914-1984) is probably best known for his novel, Hopscotch (1966), and his collection of short fiction, Blow-Up and Other Stories (1967). "Nightmares" is from the author's final volume of stories, Deshoras (1983).
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